I broke up with my ex but i realized his thoughts always occupy my mind. It seems I cannot forget him. We broke up because of sharp difference in his religion which was more of occult. He was bent on marrying me into his church because he occupied a position and they are putting pressure on him to marry and bring his wife to church. Apart from that, his church does’t frown on sex before marriage so he puts pressure on me for sex but i always deny him. I wasn’t happy with his beliefs though we really love each other. I broke up with him but i realize that his thoughts are always occupying my mind though he has decided to move forward in life. Please help me, what should i do?
Our Counselor Says,
Thank you for taken a bold step to seek for help. You reported that the thoughts of your ex-lover keep occupying to your mind. I also understand that you broke up on the grounds of religious difference, because he is into occult worship and you are not, which means that religiously you are not compatible. Secondly, you said he has decided to move forward on in life.
First of all I want you to understand that it is a choice you made and since it is ALL OVER based on a very “strong” reason, (as you have given). I think you must accept and respect that decision and look forward to make another choice. Choices are always available for us in a life time.
Mary, I think your problem is not just only about having intrusive thoughts which are affecting your life. Your problem is how you are evaluating or interpreting those thoughts in relation to your situation, you may be considering going back on the account of “we love each other”. The problem is not the thought; it’s what you try to do about the thought. If you marry him but later divorce for the same reason you are given now will you be happy? Your situation may be worse under such condition.
If you have broken up not quite long ago, then it’s just natural or normal that you will be thinking about past moments and experiences you had together; if it’s so then you must strengthen your WILL POWER now to maintain your decision to cope and look forward to make a different choice. However, if it’s long time ago but you keep having disturbing or obsessive thoughts then there are several techniques you must do. I will like to put forward a simple one for a start:
I call this “Positive Self-Talk” – use self-talk that reassures you that you would never carry out the thoughts you think. You have the power to DO or NOT DO anything you want. Remind yourself that it’s okay that those thoughts are there. Do not resist them; accept them as just “thoughts” and nothing more. They cannot hurt you or make you do anything you don’t want to do.
I want you to further understand that thoughts are not the same thing as reality. What usually happen is that, our mind interprets situations we go through in life. If you interpret it positively you feel good and less worried, however if you interpret your situations negatively it triggers bad feelings and worry.
Please remember, you can always love and be loved with another man. You are responsible for the choice you make. The success, peace and happy marriage you will have in future also depend on the right choice you make today.
Send me feedback for me to know how you are progressing.
Elder Henry Acheampong Obo
BA Family Counseling.
MPhil Counseling Psychologist.
Counselor’s Area of Expertise:
Clinical Counseling, Psychotherapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Family Therapy, Life Coach, Career/Group Counseling, Mentoring).
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